Inner Demons
by RougeBadassWriter15
Summary: This story is AU to a point but it follows Jennifer and Emily through their relationship and struggling to get through the demons of life. Please excuse any mistakes. I'm having writers block at the moment but reviews get faster chapters.
1. Prologue

**Inner Demons**

**This is my first story ever. I'm sorry for any mistakes or anything. Reviews get faster chapters.**

Prologue: Nightmares

_Fear. That's what keeps me up tonight. They were never this bad. The nightmares latch on firmly to my fragile heart – they won't let go. Counting to ten or focusing on my own breathing doesn't help when I can still feel his presence lingering on my skin. _

_The nightmares bring me to my knees and make my conscious deviate from reality. I can still feel his hands closing around my neck and the rope piercing my skin as he restrains my arms tightly behind my back and around the cold pole. He wanted me to dance for him, like I was his personal_. The pathetic part is that I thought it might get me out of here alive so I took part in his little game and became his filthy slave. _

_The fear will always be there; the mandatory therapist says that at every emotion-draining session, but it never makes me feel any better. Only one person knows what to say to make the pain temporarily disappear. _

_The nightmares are the worst of all. He may be dead but I will never stop playing the events over and over in my head. It's like my brain loves putting on a show with the experience, as if it wants me to feel every emotion repeatedly in slow motion. I can't escape the nightmares or the emotions, it's all too hard to handle. The horror movie inside of my head is never-ending. _

_Fear from that day is brought back by the horrific dreams that leave me desperate to wake up. Clark may be dead but I will never stop playing the events over and over in my head. My brain loves torturing me with the nightly performance, as if it wants me to experience it in slow motion. I can't escape this fear, it's all too hard to handle. The horror film never ends. _

_Those were the five longest and the most terrifying days of my life. Never have I truly experienced fear before then; I hate reliving it every time I close my eyes. That's why I haven't slept in days. Yet it doesn't seem like days, each day combines with the next. Nothing makes the world stop for me to catch a break. I really need sleep. I've never been this desperate._

_In the nightmares, he is within breathing distance, his hands gliding down my body that I vowed would belong to another. The cold of the knife sliding down my jaw to my neck makes me shiver in fear. He is straddling my legs to prevent a deadly kick to the knee. The air is thick and all I can gather was it is dark and musty. Between the mold and garlic scent on his breath, I can barely choke down enough air. I can physically feel my body slip into the dream as if it was reoccurring again and I was just a one woman audience to the horror film. _

_I struggle against the pole, only to confirm I am incapacitated and weary. He has me drugged and wrapped around a stripper pole that when he asks me to dance later; I will obey to stay alive. This inhumane man was my prime suspect in many cases. Matthew Clark has been in my interrogation rooms before, each time escaping because of lack of evidence, technicalities or just pure luck. He was the one criminal that had put my relationships, my career, and my sanity on the line, challenging it more and more as the bodies stacked up. He is my one case that I couldn't solve._

_ Even now, three weeks after his death, I am haunted and still cower in the darkness. Every slight movement catches my attention. A sound, a breath, anything and everything to detect a presence I consciously know isn't there. Every night I am put in the same room with the same dialog, the same smells, and the same man again and again. This was his final punishment for me. Fear was his last crime._

_Always when I pass out, Jennifer is there to hold me close. When the tears come, she kisses them away and makes me smile. Just by feeling her touch, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and almost touch it… God, I love her adorable, childish smile, especially when it's directed towards me. The world seems brighter whenever she flashes that smile. The world brightens at her smile. _

_Jennifer hasn't left me since the 'incident'. Tonight though, she was called in due to the eight car pileup on Main Street. This is the first time I've been left alone; I'm terrified to even leave the security of my own bed. Before she left I was asleep, content in her arms just about to drift off when her phone rang and by the sad look on her face, I knew another sleepless night would plague me._

_Before my brain can process mobility, my feet swing themselves out of bed and onto the cold, hardwood floor. My body is almost in a trance –like state and continues to move without my brain's consent. I appear in front of the mirror. I don't even bother to fix my uncontrollable locks or the lack of make up as my newly aroused body tries to regain control. _

_My feet are moving down our apartment steps and into the cold, December night. I can't be bothered with the small talk a cabbie might require this late at night. My shaking limbs have carried me this far, so the short four mile distance to the hospital isn't a problem. To the passing few I must look like walking hell, although anyone on the street at this hour has probably claimed these streets their home. _

_Just two miles more and the tears I have held in since Jennifer left, threaten to fall down my cheeks. All the emotion, the fear, the pain, it suddenly becomes too much. I need my girl. She's the one who grounds me. A few words from her sweet lips and everything's okay again. She is my solstice, my shelter when it storms, my light when my world is dark. Right now, my world is midnight dark. _

_Frantically, I skidded through the hospital doors and slipped slightly on the newly washed floors. The annoyed custodian grunts in response to my scattered behavior. I had completely forgotten the impact New Year's Eve had on Boston. People lined the walls and continued to pile in with each passing minute. Beds were filled, doctors dispersing everywhere, nurses running around with charts. There were so many people that my head was spinning as it finally caught up with where my feet had taken me. _

_Mothers, fathers, children, they all lined the halls with some injury, some pain. I had something in common with all of them. They had broken limbs whereas I had broken emotions. Their physical pain could easily be repaired with medicine or surgery of some kind. Mine is deeper. It is my heart and soul torn apart by some monster. Who I am as a person was demolished. _

_They had their families to help them, whereas mine are unknown to me. My soul would forever ache for the comfort a father or mother would bring at such a time as this. Jennifer was my only family now. As the minutes passed, a stampede continuously rushed through the doors with more and more hurt individuals. _

_ I turn to view the room and survey the people in search of someone who can help me find my girl. Finally, a nurse comes up behind me to ask what I need. She just gazes at my repulsive appearance and directs me towards a gathering of doctors surrounding an older man with his head gushing blood and both wrists wrapped in gauze. Right in the mixture was Jennifer. _

_To anyone else, she looks like an average doctor with blood stained scrubs, and loosely pulled back hair. To me though, she is an amazing woman: who I can't stop thinking about, who is my future, my hope and the present chapter of my life. She is more beautiful than I have ever thought a woman could be. I don't deserve her. I just stand here and admire her laugh lines and how they are becoming more prominent but with despair instead of the laughter we used to share. I never noticed how much my job or this 'incident' took its toll on her- it hasn't only taken over my life but hers as well. _

_Finally, I inhale the sterile air and steady my shaking, weak limbs as I prepare to walk towards her. She has seen me because when I walk closer I see her head perk up and a small smile grace her lips. My flustered brain finally regains some control, and I smile back like how I used to in college before the mess and before all the chaos I have brought into our lives. I watch her excuse herself and start walking towards me. The walk seems to be too dramatic-like a soap opera-looking back I see that. When her arms finally wrap around me and she whispers in my ear, "I love you", and I know that for the first time in a long time, everything is going to be okay._


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_ENTRY 1: _

_ THE THERAPIST SAYS I HAVE TO START EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS. YEAH LIKE THAT'LL HAPPEN ANYTIME SOON. SHE GAVE ME THIS STUPID JOURNAL TO START OFF WITH BASIC INFORMATION. IT'S NOT LIKE ANYTHING IN HERE WILL EVER HELP ME 'DEAL' WITH THIS AFTERMATH, BUT I PROMISED JENNIFER, I'D NEVER BREAK A PROMISE TO HER. _

_NAME: ADRIENNE SOPHIA SERAPHINA_

_AGE: 28_

_OCCUPANCY: SUPERVISORY SPECIAL AGENT OF THE BEHAVIORAL SCIENCE UNIT AT THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION_

_FAMILY: ORPHANED_

_RELATIONSHIP STATUS: IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH JENNIFER_

_GOOD THING NOBODY ELSE WILL SEE THIS. THIS IS SO PATHETIC, HAVING MY LIFE SO BLACK ANDWHITE WHEREAS REALITY IS SO GREY. I CAN FEEL THE TEARS SURFACE. THAT'S ENOUGH FOR TODAY. _

I can hear Jennifer come through the door, and I shut the page on the fresh ink that has spilled my life's complicated bio. Turning to see her hands full with coffee and everything bagels (our favorite) from the local shop down the street, I slowly smile. I take my cup from her hands,and hide her hair behind her ear and plant a gentle kiss on her lips.

Her soft words interrupt the silence during which, we breathe as one in the close embrace. "Good morning beautiful, how'd you sleep?" I can tell she's smiling even without having to force my eyes to leave hers. "Pretty good in your arms, nothing beats that."

I smile back and signal over to the closed notebook, "I started it today. Not very interesting so far but it'll get there." My smile fades a little just thinking about the words I will eventually have to spill into that bleak notebook. She notices the change. She always notices. Her hand lands on my hip and rubs gently. She knows how to calm me instantly.

"It'll get there. But…" By this pause I know she will say something incredibly sweet and make me swoon all over again. "I happen to find you pretty interesting even without-what you call-'damage'. That notebook will fill with good memories as well as bad. In this case though, we will get the chance to make new, happy memories." Her lips are gently pushed on mine as the words fall from her beautiful, plump lips.

She has always been able to make me knees weak and with each kiss, and that is exactly what she does with this kiss. This was light and sweet but it had every emotion we have every felt in it. When we separated, her hands were still on my hips and I rested my head on her shoulder. The silence wasn't tense but comfortable.

"My mother is going to be here soon and as much as I love the tank top, I doubt she will think the same." I don't want to go see her mother but I promised and I plan on fulfilling it no matter what. The world, for a moment,seems the go back to before and let us enjoy the peace.

We showered, ate and prepared ourselves for the war zone we were about to enter. Her mother doesn't care too much for the "phase" Jennifer has been going through the last 15 years. Nor does she appreciate my inability to not be called in each time we have a planned meeting. This time will be a first.


	3. Hey

Hey there guys, this isn't a story of any kind it's just an overview of myself and what I plan to write here.

I would love to hear from all of my readers as to better myself as a writer so I put up a poll and I am asking for storylines that pertain to Criminal Minds, Glee, Rizzoli and Isles and also Grey's Anatomy. If you would love to hear a story from one of these shows I would be happy to help entertain you guys.

Follow me of Twitter: LoveIsFluid15

Friend me on Facebook: Kenz Hannah Patton

And favorite me as an author :)

Reviews and Suggestions are welcome.

Have a great night and I plan on having another one shot posted tomorrow as long as my dreams give me ideas :)


	4. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Lunch with the Devil

Jennifer's mother and I have never really gotten along. That's being generous to say the least. I've always tried to stay civil and take the not so subtle blows to my ego but I'm already so broken, I fear I'll snap.

Jennifer and I head out of the apartment after an hour of cleaning up and her trying to convince me to wear something more 'feminine' then jeans and a Red Sox jersey. Its my usual attire though so she can just suck it up.

Once we're in the car and driving, I can feel the intensity from Jennifer start to show. She hates her mother but she is an only child so she sucks it up for her mother's sake. Jennifer doesn't like to show weakness or cowar away but her mother's comments on her relationship with me do hurt her. I see how badly usually in the middle of the night after a visit from the devil.

I take her hand and kiss our entwined fingers, its just a small gesture but she gets the message. Her response is to give me a trying smile and squeeze my hand. That's the thing about our relationship, most of the time we don't need words.

I pull into Sebastian's Cafe and look over at Jennifer. The look on her face makes me so angry. No woman should EVER be scared of their own mother, it just...angers me so much!

I unbolted myself and her and pull her face close to mine. Her eyes search mine for a way to escape but I hold her gaze. My arms wrap around her neck and I kiss her softly and slowly. One of those kisses that she gave me right after the 'incident'. It was tender and everything she needed.

We only broke because we needed air but when her eyes met mine again, she had a new found confidence about her. I loved it when she had that look.

Janet Jarreau was the devil. There was no doubt about it. The atmosphere in the cafe proved it too. She was seated in the back corner arguing with the poor teenage waiter about something so ridiculous probably. This would be fun.

Jennifer and I walked up cautiously towards the table and waited for the scatter-brained teen to quickly leave before facing the old hag.

"Mother", Jennifer began, "it's great to see you!" I can hear the fake smile in her voice. Janet detects it too.

"Don't fake it sweetheart, sarcasm is a bad look on you." She then moves her insults to me. "Emily, you look...atrocious." I try to hold back but Jennifer's arm hooks with mine and she becomes the detached daughter all over again.

"I believe Emily looks like herself. I happen to love her in this shirt." Jennifer feels like she has to defend me emotionally as I defend her physically. I kiss her cheek in appreciation and gesture for us to sit down.

Janet places her napkin of her lap and all her professionalism is on high alert. She likes to show me up in everything. At least its not awkward. Its super awkward.

Jennifer and I lock hands under the table and I clear my throat before putting on a smile and asking her about how she has been lately.

Her rant about how stupid her other partners are being at the firm is nothing close to new. She has been complaining about the younger partners ever since she hired them three years ago. I honestly don't care but it gives both of us time to think and get up the courage to tell her the news that Jennifer and I have.

The waiter kindly interrupts to take our order and I'm thankful she hasn't blown up again on the poor kid. We all order and once the waiter has left, Jennifer shoots me a genuine smile and looks at her mother again. "Mother, Emily and I have some exciting news. We just really want you to be okay with what we have to say."

Janet gives us a slight nod. Damn, my palms are so damn sweaty. She's not my mom and I already feel like I'm in trouble.

Like big trouble.

_**Hey guys, I would just like for you guys to check out my poll, friend me on FB, just get interactive with me. I do want you guys to help me guide this story. There are 3 options you guys can vote on. **_

_**Option 1: The couple is engaged and want to ask for Janet's approval. With this comes two other options on how she will take it. When you vote in the reviews, tell me option 1 and how you think she will take it. **_

_**Option 2: The couple has started invetro and they are expecting a child. With this one, I'll be asking for name and sex of the child. **_

_**Option 3: The couple is going to start the adoption process and they have been accepted by a birth mother and they want Janet to meet her and bond with her grandchild. **_

_**Please vote, I'll give it 2 weeks for you to vote and see how it goes. Thank you guys for adding me to your Author list and favorite story list. You guys make it awesome to be a writer! **_


	5. Yeah

**I'm really sorry guys...I hate that I haven't been updating any on this story. Writers block mixed with Drumline camp, band camp and DCI has left me tired and completely out of ideas. **

**In addition to all the craziness, only like 5 people reviewed what they wanted and I would like to have more of an audience to please so please review even if its anonymous because I love the giddy feeling you all give me. :) **

**Review, Read, Follow, Like...anything is welcome. Especially criticism. Thank you**

**PS: Whoever reviews gets cupcakes and brownies... :P**

**PSS: I'm looking for a BETA and I don't want to have to search and everything (lazy writer I am) so if you would like to become mine just PM me and we'll converse! **

**-Kenz**


	6. Chapter 3

_**Sorry it took me so long to write this chapter. But I'll be posting another one and a one-shot tonight also. It's going to get more angst-like in the following chapters but for now I'm in a happy mood and my writing will reflect that. The bold and italicized with bee author's notes and just bold will be Emily's journal entries. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! I love you guys. **_

_**-WA15**_

**I feel afraid. There really isn't a set reason for it or anything. There are just so many reasons. I'm scared of never recovering mentally, of losing Jennifer, of everyone seeing how weak I really am. Now I'm very afraid FOR Jennifer though. After brunch she just shut down. She never shuts down; I do. Her mother made her feel rejected, insecure and worthless. Like what we have is worthless. **

**When we told her we had started invetro, her mother raised hell in the café until everyone was staring at us, disgustingly. Jennifer's face fell and I swear I would have gone and punched her if Jennifer hadn't grabbed my arm and yanked me out of there. Once we were outside, I finally cooled down enough to look up at Jennifer. Her lips were pressed together tightly and her eyes were a mix of fury and hurt, I tried taking her into my arms but she pushed me away and started for the car. **

**I had to run to catch up to her by the time I got my head together. She waited by the passenger's door until I got close enough to unlock the door, she reached for the door the same time I did. She whipped around and snapped, "I can grab my own door. You don't have to suck up to me just because I'm pissed." I probably flinched because she immediately dropped her scowl and apologized, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't take it out on you." All she received from me was a curt nod. Looking back on it, she just needed some space and time to process it. Neither was what I gave her at the time. **

**The drive was tense and most of it consisted of Jennifer looking out the window and my head turning to check on her. God, this is so stupid. This journal is going to be full of sappy shit by the time I'm "healed" ,whatever that's supposed to mean. **

I close the journal and put it back inside my desk drawer for the next sappy, stupid moment I have. Jennifer has been hiding in the library ever since we pulled into the garage. Books are how she copes; mine is alcohol and this stupid journal.

When I go to check on her, the blurred glass doors are closed but my eyes can still spot her petite figure. I sneak in to watch her skim her fingers over the binds of the books as she contemplates between Hamlet and The Three Musketeers. The door makes a small click when it shuts, and Jennifer is too caught up in her internal debate to realize I'm there. She only takes notice in my presence, when I wrap my arms around her waist. I kiss the blouse that covers her shoulder and rest my head on her back.

"We don't need her approval. " Her hands cover mine and she entwines our fingers. I know she has been seeking her mother's approval for her whole life, but I can't be the one to break it to her that I don't think it will happen. At least for a long time. She finally chooses a book off the shelf and turns in my arms, "I know. It doesn't stop me from wishing she would just approve of you and our relationship though." Her voice cracks in the middle I can tell she's been holding in tears and the pain for a while.

To distract her, I grab a book off the shelf and take her hand back in mine, "Let's go relax. It's Saturday and I want to curl up with my girlfriend and a good book before mini-you's start taking over the apartment." I kiss her nose and pull her onto the recliner with me. Her smile from this morning returns and she snuggles into me with her arm around my waist. Her honey blonde hair fans out on my chest and I can't help but breathe in her scent.

I sling my arm around her shoulder and kiss her temple before we both open up our individual books and begin forgetting the horrors of this morning and the world.

_**Thanks for reading! I love reviews and can't wait to hear the feedback from this chapter. Another should be posted within hours of this one so enjoy your reading! **_

_**-WA15**_


	7. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry. I know I promised a chapter right after the other one but I've been trying to hold on to it and make it "not suck". No luck. I SWEAR I'll post the next chapter below. Reviews and follows are very encouraged. **

**Chapter 4: What Perfect Looks Like**

_I've never really dreamed of kids. That's not to say I never liked them or wanted them; they just never were in my dreams. I mean, who pictures snot-nosed kids running around the backyard disrupting my put together house? Definitely not my idea of a picture perfect Saturday. That's the opposite of Jennifer. Sometimes she just gets lost in her daydreams of little rug rats and I have to snap her out of them. The more she shares her dreams with me though, the more I picture it in my head. Mini-Jens couldn't be so bad. Their little blonde heads perking up when we call their names and the nighttime stories we tell them…never mind that. I'm getting off track. _

_Jennifer will be a great mom and I know this because of all the things she's done for the children she cares for at the hospital. She never sees me, but sometimes I sneak in early before I take her to lunch to watch her make the kids laugh and explain that IV's are just 'fairy dust' that make them feel better. It makes me believe that I can do it with her right by my side. Which is the only reason I can honestly say is why I see kids in my dreams now. She made me see that it's not scary and that WE do it as a TEAM. _

_Like my latest dream, she was busy working and I had to bathe our 5 year old son. He refused to take a bath and with only 45 minutes of coaxing and chasing around the house, I finally managed to get him IN. The whole bath was another story though. Water was on the floor, my clothes, the mats and somehow on the ceiling. After a whole day "capturing the bad guys" I was done. Jennifer walked into the bathroom in that moment and I've never been happier to see her. She had a fresh towel and was prepared to dry off the boy so I could change. Teamwork. That's what I would call it. I woke up soon after that though. Too bad. I was enjoying it. _

_Anyway, I should head downstairs. Jennifer is bustling about as I write this and I'd hate to have to keep her waiting. I hope our kids get as excited about simple stuff as she does. Just not at 3 am. Never mess with my sleep. I'll write something sappy whenever I get around to it. Turns out my therapist wants to actually see this before I can be on full duty. Crap. _

Jennifer runs up the stairs right as I close the notebook, and stash it away in my secret compartment inside my desk. "Come on baby! Baby….soon that'll mean something else" Her smile brightens the room and makes me smile just as wide. "What's taking you so long? We don't want to be late." Her giddiness is contagious and I take the time to stride over to her and give her a languid kiss as to stop her rambling.

"We'll be fine. We have an hour to get to the appointment and it is only 20 minutes away. Relax babe." Her lips curl into a smile again and she tugs my hand as she starts for the stairs. "Just humor me and pretend that we aren't going to be early. Please." She looks back at me with the pouting face she knows I can't resist.

I pretend to huff and follow her down towards the car. "Fine but can I at least grab shoes first?" I see her eye my bare feet and she kicks some Converse towards me and grabs the keys before winking and closing the door behind her.

_**Doctors Office**_

Jennifer's leg keeps bouncing and all I can do is shake my head and place a gentle hand on the anxious limb. Her being anxious only makes me more and more worried about what could happen if the pregnancy test gave us a false positive. I rub my thumb over her thigh and she looks up at me with a thankful smile for calming her. We know each other so well we only need looks.

I kiss her temple in a response and let her lean against me as we take in the white office that has multiple posters of women and children. A middle aged woman appears from a swinging door and calls our names. She leads us back towards the rooms on the far side of the office and she asks Jen basic questions such as "How are you feeling?" and "What brought you in today?"

We are escorted into a pale blue room with monitors, needles and sterile air. Three things I hate. I take a seat by Jennifer as she climbs up onto the table as the nurse has instructed. She answers all the other health questions she has been asked and tells us that the doctor will be in shortly. My hand goes up to find Jennifer's as her leg continues to bounce and I try to calm her nerves while figuring out my own.

Her hand is guided to my lips and I place a small kiss on it before going back to rubbing my thumb over her knuckles. The doctor comes in shortly and I expect some older man but just the opposite comes in. A young doctor enters the room and I soon doubt she is past high school let alone fit enough to care for my possible child and love of my life. Her blonde hair is in a pony tail and the shirt she's wearing is barely professional. She looks like a stripper and I'm not pleased.

"I'm Doctor Stern. I'll be your doctor for today." She does a quick overview of the chart and slaps on some gloves before furthering the conversation. "Ah. You both are here to confirm a pregnancy, I see." She has a light smile that puts Jen at ease but I'm not so confident. "If you would please just lay back I'll apply the gel and we'll take a look." Jennifer does as she is told and I stand to continue holding her hand and provide solace for her.

At first I didn't hear even a faint sound of a heartbeat, but I was immediately rewarded with a strong heartbeat. The image of a small peanut sized object appeared on the screen and my heart soared with joy. I glanced at Jen and all I saw was her trying to wipe the tears that were falling. How can we already love something that isn't even born yet?

The doctor excuses herself but we don't hear her as we both just continue to stare at the monitor and listen to the constant sound of our baby's heart. Eventually we are asked if we would like a picture and we both nod and take turns looking at the screen and each other.

"Our baby…" Jennifer's voice is faint and full of wonder. Like a child on Christmas that gazes at all the presents under the tree. The only reply I can manage is "I know." It comes out with nothing but happiness and amazement that we could create that.

_**Back Home**_

When we pull into the driveway, Jennifer climbs into my lap and I have to adjust the seat to make sure we both fit. The picture of our fetus hasn't left her hands since the nurse gave it to us, and now it is in between us. We both stare at it and embrace the silence. She's the first to break the silence, "He's so small."

I laugh at her assumption that our child is a boy and I call her out on it, "How do you know it's a boy?" She finally brings her head up so our eyes meet as she replies, "Mother's intuition, or maybe just my conscious referring to my dreams in hopes that it is a boy." Her sheepish smile in turn makes me grin and I kiss her nose then her lips.

I life her shirt to reveal her stomach, the doctors said she was only 9 weeks along but I can see the beginnings of a bump. "Then I believe it's a boy too." I run my hand over the small bump and am met with vibrations from her rumbling stomach. We both chuckle and I pull her shirt back down so we can exit the car. "I believe I have a wife and baby to feed. Let's go inside and I'll fix you whatever you want." We walk into the house and I can't help but look at Jennifer and think, 'this is what perfect looks like.'


End file.
